Snarknado: Flat Earth Society


Alexa Blaise Chandler, News Editor

“The world looks flat.”

The Flat Earth Society, several thousand members, dubbed “Flat Earthers,” actually believe that there is no curvature to the Earth, citing only that the earth feels and looks flat, so why the heck do we believe that anything photographed as a spherical object from space possibly ever be round?

Founded in 1956 by Samuel Shenton, the Flat Earth Society, often lead by pseudosciences and religious literalism, believe that maps are physical representations of how the earth actually is, with no core and no center of gravitational pull. And rather than the Arctic Circle and Antarctic on either northern or southern pole, the continents surround the Arctic Circle and 150-feet of ice are surrounding the continental figures, like the giant protective ice wall from Game of Thrones.   

The Flat Earth Society has lain in wake, until late, reveling in conspiracies surrounding the spherical nature of the earth, or lack thereof as well as the absurdity of global warming and the falsehood of the moon landing, both of which would indicate that the earth was round, although the possibility of humanity living on a planet is clearly ridiculous.

After experimenting with the ‘Sinking Ship Effect,’ in which a ship does not sink behind a hill of water, but that perspective hides it, demonstrating how flat the earth is. They also cite Kansas as a viable source of flat earth life, because it is “flatter than a pancake.” You know flat-earthers are real experts when they use scientific jargon like, “flatter than a pancake.”

Furthermore, the Flat Earthers believe that the sun and moon revolve above the flat-disc that is Earth, 3,000 miles above its surface, illuminating the earth in a 24-hour cycle, with an ‘antimoon’ satellite  to obscure the earth during lunar eclipses. Rather than actually believing that the earth is round, we just believe in a satellite commissioned by the government to fool all of humanity, except for the noble-brained flat-earthers.

Since Russia and the United States first battled for space supremacy, flat-earthers believe that any and all images of the earth have been faked, as well as any space exploration by either party. The only possible reason for these countries to have faked ‘the conspiracy’ was not to hide how flat the earth is, this is freely admitted by NASA, but instead to gain dominance over the world with space warfare.  

Flat-earthers heavily criticize photos of the earth, believing all stills of the earth have been photo shopped, cutting out the actual dimensions of the earth and relaying them to the ‘round-earth theory.’ Obviously, this is beyond the truth. There is nothing that could possibly be more time consuming besides actually being honest.

And despite serious scientific evidence, including the calculable gravitational pull of the universe, knowledge that we actually revolve around the sun, as only a round planet can, as well as pictures obtained through space exploration and scientifically sound logic, there is absolutely no physical way we live on anything other than a disc.

Perhaps previous U.S. President, Barack Obama, summed up their entire organization perfectly in an interview regarding climate change saying, “We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society. Sticking your head in the sand might make you feel safer but it’s not going to protect you from the coming storm.”