No one prepares you for losing someone close to you in life, no matter how big or small. It could be a friend, a cousin, a sibling, or a parent. In my case it was my older sister, Her name was Jessey. She was 29 when she died of sepsis, pneumonia, and the flu.
It was February 5, 2020. It seemed to be a normal day until it wasn’t. I had been called out of class and got a text from my brother saying our sister was on life support and my mom was on the way to come get me so we could say our last goodbyes. My heart sank, my face went cold, it was hard to breathe, and I cried and cried. I wanted to scream. This was so random and out of the blue. But she had been sick that last weekend and it was just different. I now understand why I felt so unsettled when she left. She died on February 6, 2020, at the University of Utah hospital.
Statistically” 32% of people have experienced the death of a family member or close friend. 20% have experienced the death of a pet. 3% death of spouse. 2% death of a child.” said an article by Enterneva on Grief statistics and Positive Ways of Coping. These are very interesting statistics because this topic is something that is not really brought up in our society and in a way something a lot of people avoid addressing.
Many experience a variety of extreme feelings after losing someone very close to them. “Angry, sad, and remorse.” said my brother Aaron Garcia. “When my sister passed away it was so last second and having to deal with a current pregnant wife and confusion and as time went on I was very sad that she had passed just from the confusion side and then remorse, just feeling ok with her being gone.” His sister passed from alcoholism.
As mentioned earlier, the topic of grief is a sort of taboo one. Normally when grief is brought up it is immediately shut down. It’s a topic that brings the mood down and is just something that is not very normalized. This doesn’t have to always be the case! Grief is something everyone has/ will go through in life, everyone dies at some point so why not talk about sometimes? \The Grief Recovery Center talks about reasons why people may not want to talk about it.
It’s too hard ¨We don’t always have the capacity to name our feelings in the best of times, let alone when we’re experiencing intense emotions. However, remember that you don’t have to force yourself to talk about every aspect of your loss right away.¨ Learning to become one with your emotions and thoughts is a huge step in talking about your grief! Over time, you will learn that it’s ok to not feel ok when discussing grief and it’s normal to feel a tidal wave of emotions.
You worry about other people’s reactions ¨We worry that people will think we’re grieving wrong, that we aren’t feeling the things we should be feeling, or that our emotions will just bum everyone out and then no one will want to talk to us at all.¨ It is a huge step to talk about loss even if it’s just being mentioned. Another big step is learning that talking about grief is ok and you shouldn’t have to worry about others’ feelings.
You don’t know what to say ¨Putting your feelings into words is not easy, especially when you’re facing a life-changing event like grief. You might not know what to say or even if you can be understood by someone else.¨
They also talk about reasons why it may be helpful to talk.
Becoming familiar with the stages of grief in real life ¨You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief before, but talking about grief can familiarize them in a more realistic way. Everyone grieves differently, so grief isn’t going to look the same between any two people, even though there are stages we all go through. Talking about grief can help you spot the different stages and understand what’s going on, even if you go through them out of order or if they don’t feel the way you thought they would.¨ If you become familiar with the stages of grief you can easily recognize what you are feeling and how to properly help yourself get through and manage those feelings.
Feel less alone ¨Experiencing a loss can leave you feeling lonely. Finding someone to discuss your grief with can help ease that feeling that you’re in this on your own. Even if the person can’t relate to what you’re going through, it can be reassuring to know that someone is in your corner no matter what.¨ It’s an amazing feeling to know you’re not alone while grieving. Talking to really anyone helps a tremendous amount. If you can find a group of people who have experienced the same loss as yours and having meetings where you talk is also a great way to feel less alone.
Losing a sibling can change how you view things in life. ¨most definitely like I shouldn’t take anything for granted and if I have any mental problems like I’m always told to open up now and talk about it, It’s so different now because my family was never like that until this happened and now my family is asking us kids how we are feeling more often now. I asked if this taught her anything and she said to always check up on family members and to um keep them close and just remind them how much they are loved.¨ Said Senior, Maata Naeata, whose sister passed away from suicide.
A big part of grief is just getting through it. Just moving on and living your life is something that is not an easy feat but is definitely possible. You have to come to terms with the fact that that person is gone. It’s hard to move on though, you become mad at the world for being able to move on even though you just went through possibly one of the hardest times in life. In the end, though the world will move on with or without you, it is a hard reality but it is true. You have to move on. It will take time but it will happen.
Losing a child is a very hard thing that no one would ever wish on their worst enemy. This event in turn comes with a lot of guilt. My mother Tammy Guilliams, 52 shared, ¨I’m glad she’s safe and ok but it hard watching you and your brother not be ok and I feel responsible for all of it.¨
This side of grief is one you don’t come across as often, losing a child is something no one should ever have to go through. ¨devastated, lost, scared, very scared. I was in denial for so long, but I did know on superbowl sunday that I wouldn’t see her alive or conscious again.¨ said Ms. Guilliams about her Eldest daughter Jessey who died from alcoholism. This is also something that again shouldn’t be shut down when talked about.
Grief and bereavement facts – Evermorestates, ¨Our best projections find that about 18.7 million Americans have experienced the death of a child.¨ This statistic is very surreal due to the fact that it happens much more than anyone realizes! It is something that should not happen but it does and it cannot be ignored.
¨ Our parents are never supposed to die and they are supposed to live forever in our minds. Losing someone that close to you puts others’ pain into perspective, you can have empathy for someone when they are going through this but as I like to think, you understand the pain and depth of this event more when you have been through it.¨ said Senior Kensington Stone about losing her father who passed from pancreatic issues.
In the end, you will experience grief in some form. You have to come to terms with Death and Grief, this article has stated that repeatedly. This is not an experience you can ever go through alone and you shouldn’t have to. So talk. Talk to your friends who if they are true and good friends won’t judge, talk to family who won’t tell you to stop crying and move on, and your significant other who will be by your side and be your shoulder to cry on, It doesn’t matter who!
The final question that was asked by me was ¨May I ask for your view on this topic and how you would want to spread the word to others who are/ have gone through this who may feel alone?¨ The answers were diverse but had the same idea, You Are Not Alone. You may never know who has gone through something similar so find therapy groups, anything of that sort. Many others are potentially going through the same thing as you. You Are Not Alone.
