An emotionally absent parent could be physically there for the child, yet their mind is elsewhere, causing them to neglect their children. This subtle form of abuse often goes unnoticed. This will leave everlasting psychological and physical damage to the child. Later on, causing harm to adulthood because they had no structure growing up.

A study conducted by Princeton University found that, “Of the 40% who lack secure attachments, 25% avoid their parents when they are upset (because their parents are ignoring their needs), and 15% resist their parents because their parents cause them distress.”

Parents are recognized as role models for young children to teach and guide them throughout their years. If they don’t have that person in their life, they are likely to grow up quicker than expected because they have to depend on themselves and their siblings rather than the parent .

“When you have a parent that is emotionally unavailable, they are generally not there too much physically either, so you have to grow up quicker and if you have siblings you have to take care of them and worry about cleaning the house and feeding everyone,” said Molly Ray (real name withheld).

People affected by this often have low self-esteem. They struggle in making connections. In other ways, they will subconsciously drag towards emotionally unavailable people. This ends up creating unhealthy relationships.

“I have issues with expressing myself, I start fights because that’s what I grew up with and that’s how I thought you expressed emotion and also so I can get attention and feel valued.” said high school graduate, Nivi Vahl.

Children of absent parents tend to be more aggressive or externalize the behaviors of the parents that they see. To them, any attention is better than no attention at all. In other ways, children from these families may be withdrawn, anxious, or people pleasers. 

Daniel Lee (real name withheld) shared that his mother never cared for his childhood. He knew that the only way to get her attention was to act out in heinous ways, even if it wasn’t the attention he longed for, it was enough.

Vahl is quite the opposite. She stayed to herself most of her childhood and was very anxious since her parents’ anger was unpredictable. This led to self-sabotaging and people-pleasing. She often felt responsible for her parents’ anger and emotions.

“Additionally, attention-seeking behavior may surface as children yearn for recognition and affirmation in the absence of a crucial parent figure” stated Mentoria Clutter To Clarity.

Emotionally absent parents miss out on everything. When it comes to the education aspect of a child’s life, they’re not involved. This could later lead to dropping out because they never had the support they needed. The parents’ attention and validation are crucial to a child’s academic pathway.

“I didn’t go to school, I didn’t care for it.” Said Vahl, “It is hard to progress in life because you have the feeling of inadequacy and not being good enough, so you don’t feel like you’re good enough for anything.”

Vahl shared that she never tried in school because her parents would not give her encouragement. It made her feel like she couldn’t achieve her goals because her parents would belittle them. After a while, she gave up on trying because she knew nothing would make her parents proud.  

High school is a big turning point in adolescence. They look for advice and guide them into adulthood. If the parent is not there, the child misses out on that milestone leaving the child to figure things out for themselves. 

Lee’s experience is that he didn’t learn what he should have at fifteen until he was in his twenties. He had trouble picking up on social cues and felt awkward. He also said if people don’t have structure they just do whatever they want so it leads to consequences later in life.

There is no standard behavior for how a detached parent should act. There have been studies to determine how emotionally available a parent is. In the early 2000s, a doctor by the name of Zeynep Biringen, created an assessment to determine the emotional connection to the child. This test is still used today.

It’s made up of four categories: sensitivity, structuring, non-intrusiveness, and non-hostility. Along with two other aspects of child responsiveness and child involvement. The Psychcentral article shows:

Sensitivity 

• Behaviors and emotions from the parent that create a positive emotional connection to their child

Structuring

• Parents ability to support learning, understanding, and personal growth in their child

Non-intrusiveness

• How successfully a parent can allow their child be independent

Non-hostility 

• Level at which a parent regulates the expression of negative emotions toward their child

Child responsiveness

• How willing and joyful the child is to interact with the parent

Child involvement 

• The rate at which a child wants to involve the parent in what they’re doing

The graded assessment is broken down into four scoring categories. The first being, emotionally available, where the parent is involved in the child’s life. The second category is complicated, where the parent can be inconsistent with their attention towards the child. Detachment is the third category, the parent is distant and avoids emotional connection. The lowest score of the assessment is, problematic or disturbed, the parent is checked out, hostile, and intrusive.

Through all the trauma, it could carry on into adulthood and the parent may pass it onto their children. Breaking the cycle of being the emotionally detached parent only begins with recognizing where the problem came from. Developing new ways to make the relationships that are made, more healthy. 

“Every time I acted like my mother or saw myself in her, I would catch myself and let it go. I didn’t want to be like her because I knew how it felt.” Lee shares.

When Lee decided to have children, he knew he didn’t want to continue in the steps of his mother. She was not only emotionally abusive but physical as well. Which caused Lee to grow up with resentment against her. He wanted to give his child everything he didn’t get. 

Practicing being self-aware is a big part, allowing feelings and emotions to be present. Distancing from the parent is another major part. If they never plan on trying to change, they’ll continue the negative behaviors. Knowing that just because a parent was once emotionally unavailable, doesn’t mean they can’t change because it is possible with effort.

Having an emotionally absent parent is extremely damaging to a child and through their adulthood. With the acknowledgment that there’s a problem, therapy, counseling, and the willingness to change, a person can minimize the mental and emotional damage that is put upon their children and future family units.