Snarknado: Sexiest man alive is now Blake Shelton and I can’t handle it

Payton Wright, Editor-in-Chief

If you think tractors are sexy and have a thing for middle-aged men who cheat on their wives for publicity, then wait until you see this year’s sexiest man alive: Blake Shelton. I cannot believe that the infamous People Magazine’s contest finally decided to widen their margin of people that they could have been selected for this from mostly white guys who kinda do stuff (and The Rock) to white guys who can grow and plow a field of wheat.

   And through the mass amounts of humanitarians and beautiful humans on this world emerged a new savior of 2017–someone who not too long ago tweeted some very homophobic and very racist comments on Twitter. What glamour. What class.

  Though Blake emerged on top of an outdated objectifying contest, let’s take a look at the runners up.

  First up we have the British dream boat himself, Harry Styles. A man, who since his rise to fame, has donated countless times to various charities and preaches kindness to anyone who’ll listen. Unfortunately becoming an icon in the LGBTQ+ community through his constant support of those who are LGBTQ+ and his masculine femininity and declarations of love and kindness isn’t nearly enough to get you the winning title of Sexiest Man Alive.

  Next one up doesn’t even come close to our beautiful Blake, but he deserves to be mentioned. The former Horse War Lord on Game of Thrones and current Aqua Man, Jason Momoa, can’t even touch Blake Shelton’s crown. I mean he’s only six feet four inches of pure Hawaiian. Maybe Harry Styles wasn’t fit for People because they’re scared of a man being comfortable enough with his sexuality to be feminine, so we can turn to elect someone who is every bit society’s gross stereotype of a man – Jason Momoa would be great. But no matter how many hours you spend in a gym and how many carbs you eat–if you can’t shuck an ear of corn, by People’s standards you aren’t even close to being the Sexiest Man Alive.

   Oh yeah who can forget about Idris Elba? (Obviously People can). The British actor who has been nominated for and has won many awards can’t even compete with a man who won an Academy of Country Music’s Award for his absolute banger “Hillbilly Bone.” His timeless class and elegance will never ever top the soulful love that Blake Shelton can communicate through song lyrics like “When you see them pretty little country queens, man you gotta admit that’s in them jeans, ain’t nothing wrong, just getting on your hillbilly bone-ba-bone-ba-bone-bone.”

   Let those lyrics sink in, can you feel them in your ba-bones? If you can then you just might be a Blake Shelton fan. Either way, congratulations to my favorite homophobic, racist, and of course: drop dead sexy, soulful country singer Blake Shelton on his win.

  He deserves it.